This week we're zooming in on northwestern France to talk about an initially minor nobleman named Robert. From humble(ish) origins, he will found a dynasty that will come to rival the Carolingians in the west. But what of the man himself? This week, we're talking sneaky skulduggery, bloody battles and vicious Vikings! Robert will die defending Francia from the heathens ... but the story of how he got there is a little more complicated. As he is not a king, Robert the Strong will not be...

Another jam-packed reign, with possibly the most tricky and controversial ranking yet. A lot of deliberation was cut from the ranking segments! Will Charles the Bald make his father Louis the Pious proud, by reviving the glory of his namesake Charlemagne? Or will he be chopped up ... like a turnip? Once you have listened, what will you think of Charles the Bald? Was he a peak or a trough of the Carolingian period? Did he deserve the judgement we gave him? We are particularly keen to hear your...

Charlemagne is a hard act to follow, but Louis the Pious shows promise. Will he pull through and escape the guillotine? This lengthy episode is jam-packed with so many twists and turns of fates and loyalties, leaving us wondering what exactly to make of this unholiest of holy kings... Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️ Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to them for making this track free to use and listen! Go check out more of their stuff here. ⚜️ ...

Now that we have gone through Charlemagne's life and conquests, it's now time to take a look at how he ruled, the innovations he brought to his empire and the massive legacy he left. What will be our verdict on the greatest "great" of medieval history? Is it enough to spare him from the guillotine? Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️ Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to them for making this track free to use and listen! Go check out more of their st...

Need more iron in your audio diet? Look no further than this week's episode, where Eliza and Ben FINALLY explore the life and conquests of Charlemagne, from birth to death. After a cold open from the Monk of St Gall and a brief recap of what we've discussed of his life so far, we explore his many military conquests, his plans for succession and how he acquired a couple of very special new crowns. Oh, but there's more! Stay tuned for next week's episode, when we give Charlemagne his scor...

An important prélude to Charlemagne's episode, here we cover his younger brother. The Frankish kingdom was split nonsensically between them, and their mother was definitely playing favourites. Has this forgotten sibling Carloman earned his place in the tournament, or will he be sent to the guillotine? Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️ Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to them for making this track free to use and listen! Go check out more of their...

It's finally time for the Carolingians to snatch that crown from the feeble hands of the last Merovingians. This week we'll see the Franks and the Lombards finally butt heads in an epic showdown, witness a blossoming bromance between Pepin and the Pope, and discuss why Pepin the Short (like Napoleon) was probably not short. This is hopefully the last of our sketchy-audio-quality episodes. So look forward to crisp and clear sound next week with Carloman I, whose reign will be an importa...

We know the French detest Halloween, but we're doing a Halloween episode anyway! How could we not, when this king - the last of the Merovingian dynasty - is known as the PHANTOM KING?! When we have reviewed Childeric III in all his long-haired glory (or lack thereof), Ben will share with Eliza the incredible true story of the Beast of Gévaudan, a mysterious creature that terrorised the people of southern France in the 18th Century. Find out more about the Beast of Gévaudan from... The beast's...

The long-awaited prince is here! It's time to talk about Charles Martel, victor of the legendary Battle of Tours ... but is he truly as great as his legendary name "Carl the Hammer" might imply? And does this most famous Mayor of the Palace deserve to sit up in the VIP box to watch the final tournament? Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️ Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to them for making this track free to use and listen! Go check out more of the...

With next episode's Charles Martel handing all the boring ruling, there's little for Theodoric IV to do but sit back and get wheeled around in a cart. At the tail end of the episode, we do a deep dive into the daily life of a Frankish peasant. Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️ Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to them for making this track free to use and listen! Go check out more of their stuff here. ⚜️ CATEGORIES Ben and Eliza each give...

After spending a number of episodes tucked away in a monastery, it's time for Daniel to come out and take the spotlight ... with mixed results! He is largely overshadowed by the epic showdown between Charles Martel and Ragenfrid. Also in the third and final of our "news segments", we are going to take a peak at what's going on in the Byzantine Empire, as they face the rising threat of the Umayyad Caliphate which will soon also strike the Franks... Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜...

It's time for our most attractive king yet, Dagobert III. Weird hunch and chin-hairs aside, will he live up to his namesake Dagobert I? At the tail end of our episode, we will have another World History / News Update segment with a trip far to the east of the world the Franks knew. While the do-nothing kings are doing nothing, Empress Wu Zetian of China is doing everything, with her subjects inventing gunpowder and building architectural marvels. Message us your thoughts! Support the s...

This episode is chock-a-block, not just with the ramblings of 2 nerds who have been in Covid-19 Lockdown for too long, but also with events that are happening in the world around Childebert III (all of which he has little to no effect over). Later in the episode, Eliza will give us a little "News Update" on what's happening outside of our little slice of the Dark Ages. This week we're going to Central and South America, where a ruler called "Eighteen Rabbit" is a direct contemporary of...

Today we've got a pitifully brief reign, so we thought we'd add in a couple extra goodies: a quiz you can follow along with at home, along with an update of how our kings are ranking so far! As ever, thanks to all of you for supporting us in these early days as we find our feet. We are so grateful to have found such a great foundation of listeners and we hope you stick around. We've got some really fun episodes ahead of us. Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️ Battle Royale's intro...

With Theodoric, we say goodbye to Ebroin's meddling and hello again to the dynasty that will become the Carolingians. A bit of stability is nice... but at what cost to the Merovingians? As ever, make sure you visit our Wordpress site, and give us a rating if you've enjoyed us. Also follow us on social media. It's just a small way you can help grow our little community! Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️ Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to them fo...

Will Childeric II outstrip his brother Clothar III was King of all the Franks? This week Eliza and Ben discuss a king who fired his little brother, married his cousin, excessively beat his nobles and proved why you REALLY shouldn't go into the woods. I'm sure he'll have a very long and successful reign... Special appearance from Leodegar, the patron saint of eye-gouging. Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️ Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to them...

This week, it's Clothar the ... well, he doesn't have an epithet like the last two Clothars. But his mum was cool! Is being the son of a saintly queen enough to evade the guillotine though? It's time to get into the very first of the Rois Fainéants - the Do-Nothing Kings! Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️ Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to them for making this track free to use and listen! Go check out more of their stuff here. ⚜️ CATEGORIES ...

Get ready to meet Good King Dagobert, who wore his trousers inside-out! What the heck is that story all about, and will our cheekiest king yet be able to escape the guillotine? You'd better listen, to find out! Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️ Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to them for making this track free to use and listen! Go check out more of their stuff here. ⚜️ CATEGORIES Ben and Eliza each give a score out of 10 for...

Becoming king when he was just a baby, he definitely earned the nickname "Clothar the Young", but does he deserve to be called "Clothar the Great"? This week Ben and Eliza witness the fate of Brunhilda, the reunification of the Franks after decades of civil war, and the emergence of a new power: the Mayor of the Palace. Vague and contradictory sources make this a difficult king to rate. Is a long, stable reign enough to escape the Guillotine, or do the seeds of future destruction spell...

We don't have a King of All the Franks to review for about half a century, but we do have one extremely notorious queen: Fredegund. How does this dark age villainess rank compared to our kings? Her crimes include regicide, infanticide, a Red Wedding, harbouring a witch and violating the law of SANCTUARYYY. Join us again next week when we'll be continuing our line of Merovingian kings. Will Fredegund's descendants win out, or will her nemesis Brunhilda have the last laugh? Message us your tho...

Clothar the Old will outlive all his brothers and become the next King of All the Franks... but is self-preservation alone enough to save him from the guillotine? How far will Clovis's children devolve into war and depravity, and what difficult choice lies ahead of our beloved Queen Clotilda? Find out this week on Battle Royale! Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️ Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to them for making this track free to use and listen...

It's time to get guillotining!!! Unless, of course, we decide our first King of All the Franks, Clovis, is worthy of being spared. Only one way to find out... Battle Royale is not liable for any injures obtained as a result of standing on a shield. That being said, Eliza is determined to see this Germanic custom recreated IRL. (But seriously ... don't.) Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️ Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to them for making this tr...

Don't skip the introduction! In this episode, we explain the format of our podcast, before taking you on a concise tour through the history of France before it was France. Special appearances from woolly mammoths, Hannibal of Carthage, Julius Caesar and history's greatest cabbage farmer Diocletian. And let's not forget - loads and loads of moustachioed Gauls! Stay tuned for next week, when we'll do a deeper dive into the life of the very first king awaiting our jud...

Bienvenue! Before you dive in, here's a brief message telling you what the hell this is, and where we reckon you should start listening. Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️ Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to them for making this track free to use and listen! Go check out more of their stuff here. ⚜️ CATEGORIES Ben and Eliza each give a score out of 10 for the first 4 categories. The 5th is determined by maths! The result is a total score out of...