Just when you thought you had all the smug bitches you could handle, eight-year-old Michelle (who Kristin lovingly refers to as "Elizabeth") is here to hauntingly peek through your windows, explode your fishtanks, and electronically add the correct moustache to your enhance machines. We are back in the filing cabinet this week with "Born Again," where the most important uncovered truth is how great Maggie Wheeler looks in a vest and how much we assume Scully wants to smooch her.

Giles is back and he is in love with OLIVIA and they are having EARLY MORNING DALLIANCES inside of their QUAINT BOOKSHOP. This is not a drill, people. Giles! And! Olivia! Are! Back! Also, Anyanka is freed from being a statue and is on her way to wreak havoc, Anya and Indira used a Magic Shop passageway to get to England, it only took Spike three episodes to overtly flirt with Slayer Cordy, and Clem... bit off Miranda's head. It is Episode 3 of Slayers: A Buffyverse story!

Well, kids, if you had Drusilla and Tara on your bingo card then you really scored big this week, and Mr. Pickles can plunk out a celebratory tune for you on his little monkey piano. Anya and Anyanka have come face to face and we can’t tell if it will lead to murder or make outs, Spike’s insides are on the outside (anyone need new garters?), and we are all on high alert for the continued safety of Jasper. Here we go into the second episode of Slayers: A Buffyverse story!

As though we dreamt it up and then it became reality, the Buffyverse is back, baby. All nine episodes of "Slayers: A Buffyverse Story," written by Christopher Golden and Amber Benson (!!) and performed by an iconic list of Buffy alum (CORDELIA! GILES! SPIKE! ANYA! DRU! TARA! CLEM!!!!!) alongside the debut of our newest slayer, Indira, were released today on Audible. We will be covering all nine episodes, one week at a time, spoiler-free. Today, in our premiere episode, we are endlessly excited as we journey back to the Hellmouth!! Spike is undercover in LA with his best friend Clem, Indira becomes a slayer at breakfast and stumbles immediately into the underground resistance against slayers, and Cordelia is... alive... and a Slayer... from a different dimension??!??!?!!!! Buckle up, scoobies. We might just drive right through the Sunnydale welcome sign on our way in.

The biggest will they / won't they of all time, Eugene Victor Tooms is back and dag nabbit he simply MUST get that fifth liver!!! We have got stretch fingies aplenty, sexy confessions about cabbage patch dolls, a minimum of one dozen roses, and one glorious stuffed Alf doll PLUS HAVE YOU HEARD THAT SCULLY WOULD NOT PUT HER LIFE ON THE LINE FOR ANYONE BUT MULDER?!?!?! This episode was recorded live in Brooklyn at The Bell House and no livers were eaten (to our knowledge) in its creation. Producer LaToya Ferguson gives "Tooms" 3.475/5 Separate Standards for Agent Scully and Agent Mulder

Darkness has fallen, but we can all follow the light shining from Agent Dana Scully's tricolor parka to avoid being eaten by centuries-old, human-eating bugs!! This episode was recorded live in Boston at Arts at the Armory and no humans were cocooned in its creation. Producer LaToya Ferguson gives "Darkness Falls" a scary rating of 2.95/5 We Have "Ice" At Homes

Today we meet the very first X-File, opened in 1946 in Montana, and party with werewolves, taxidermy, and horses. We also have a big conversation about what (always) happens when non-Native writers tell stories about Indigenous communities. Spoiler alert: it ain’t great! Producer LaToya Ferguson gives "Shapes" a scary rating of 1.5/5 Awooos

It is time for a Big Tent Revival where Mulder will run after the image of his sister while Scully does her best to prove that no miracles happened in the state of Tennessee. Meanwhile, many grasshoppers will feast on potatoes and a Sheriff will lie to his Checkov's Wife. It's Season 1, Episode 18: Miracle Man.Producer LaToya Ferguson gives "Miracle Man" a scary rating of 1/5 Hallelujah, Praise Gods

It is time to meet dad at the aquarium where he can tell you that, just like the little FBI shark that you are, you mustn't stop swimming! We've got three lone gunmen, two stopwatches, one extraterrestrial biological entity, and a wild alien-goose chase across the United States. It's Season 1, Episode 17 "E.B.E." and yes it IS remotely plausible that Agent Dana Scully is hot!Producer LaToya Ferguson gives "E.B.E." a scary rating of 2.75/5 Governments Within A Government

Before we began our journey through The X-Files we made a very special "Episode 0" to usher us into a new alien-soaked era. Jenny asked Kristin to tell us everything she knew about the show going in, we played games such as "Comic Book Villain or X-File Of The Week," and Kristin gave us a detailed book report on "the history of aliens." In March, this conversation was only available to those who joined us in the livestream, but now, gentle listeners, it is here for all to enjoy.

In today’s episode of The eX-Files, we are covering Season 1, Episode 16 “Young At Heart,” which includes a large amount of winking, groaning, and kissy noises from a hardened criminal in love with Mulder (and his ultimate demise), flirting via handwriting analysis, and a young and vibrant salamander hand.Producer LaToya Ferguson gives "Young At Heart" a scary rating of 1/5 Funerals for Fox's Friends

In today's episode we learn that Scully has an ex-boyfriend and that Mulder thinks that this means the plot has thickened. We also learn that in the FBI sometimes you carry one (1) loose gun inside of a briefcase, that Scully is a medical doctor (!!!), and that Mulder really cares about Scully and wants to make sure she is safe *single tear*. Also, body swapping. Also, Kristin's new favorite character, Officer Bruskin, is on the scene chewing nicotine gum and being sassy WITH HEART. It's S1E15: Lazarus. Please keep your eyes on the roving tattoo.Producer LaToya Ferguson gives "Lazarus" a scary rating of 1/5 Love Affairs I Almost Envy

This is the one about, according to Jenny Owen Youngs, "that one alien who LOVES to f*ck"! It is also the one where we learn Scully is a horse girl, and also the one with The Kindred, and also the one where we learn that Kristin had to stare down dozens of Precious Moments Figurines in her childhood bedroom, and ALSO the one where we learn that Jenny once found an abandoned shack in the New Jersey woods wallpapered with Playboy cutouts. It is also the one where sex is made scary with a dash of transphobia and a sprinkling of HIV/AIDS, because of course it is. Please join us for Season 1, Episode 14: Gender Bender.

Our incredible listener, Sophie Day, emailed us awhile back about this week's episode of The X-Files, "Beyond the Sea," and the character of Luther Lee Boggs.Sophie explained that she works as a Capital Mitigation Specialist, which means that she is part of the legal team that represents folks who have already been sentenced to death on their last appeals. She explained, "basically it's my job to tell my client's story. I spend countless hours with my clients, their family, and anyone I can find who knew them before the crime they are convicted of. It is my job to help decision makers (a judge, SCOTUS, or the Governor) see my client as a full person. We do not seek to excuse the crime, but to help the person/people deciding if they should live or die how my clients' lives could have brought them to where they are. My primary goal is to reflect my client's humanity and dignity outward."We were so excited to bring Sophie into the pod-space for a deeper conversation, and in this bonus episode you will hear her discuss the way that folks in prison, and especially on death row, are portrayed in television and movies — and in this episode in particular!

Noted Gillian Anderson enthusiast Laura Zak joins us in conversation for today's coverage of The X-Files S1E13: "Beyond the Sea,"! We discuss Gillian Anderson's hold on generations of queer women, Scully's character finally being given enough emotional room to stretch her legs (and be called "Dana"), the CHEEK CARESS, and Jenny's childhood dream of riding in on horseback to save beautiful women. Something for everyone.We also have a special segment today in conversation with Sophie Day, a Capital Mitigation Specialist who works with folks on death row, and who sheds some more light on media portrayals of folks on death row and the system itself. We highly encourage you to listen to the full interview, found here:The full conversation with Sophie will also air in the main feed this Friday!Producer LaToya Ferguson gives "Beyond the Sea" a scary rating of 1/5 Thousands Of Souls Entering My Body

Have you ever wanted to stand intimately close to a tree while watching your crush sexily spin her lazy susan, and then later — after poisoning her bodyguard and having a quick Beer™️ at the local bar— set her current partner ablaze with the power of your cursed mind and a dash of accelerant? If so you may relate to our friend Cecil in this week’s episode, covering The X-Files 1.12 “Fire.”Producer LaToya Ferguson gives "Fire" a scary rating of 2/5 Three-Pipe Problems

A live recording in which whiskey was consumed, clones were discussed, daddies were exsanguinated, and Max Collins from Eve6 was interviewed. A truly wild time from swing sets to sodas, it’s Season 1 Episode 11: “Eve.” Producer LaToya Ferguson gives "Eve" a scary rating of 3/5 Tender Hearts In A Blender

An unidentified flying meteor has crashed into the Wisconsin woods and now an invisible alien is chasing after his long lost love: NICAP's own Max Fenig. Mulder is wearing a leather jacket. Scully is ENIGMATIC. Deep Throat is... double crossing us? It's Season 1, Episode 10: FALLEN ANGEL, and this episode summary was written by MF Luder.Producer LaToya Ferguson gives "Fallen Angel" a scary rating of 1/5 "Meteors"

It's an alien! It's a ghost! It's a combination alien-ghost?! Listen, we don't make the rules. What would you do if the hour was 0700 and your husband was in outer space and your boss was possessed with a Mars Ghosty who was going to take some time away from Earth and the ceilings of hotel rooms to zoop on over to your husband's space shuttle to boop it around and nearly kill the whole team?!?!! Well, this week you can find out what Michelle Genaroo will do, apart from flirting with Mulder and Scully. It's Season 1, Episode 9: SPACEProducer LaToya Ferguson gives "Space" a scary rating of 1/5 SCULPTED HUMAN FACES

You ever get that feeling that you are not ...who you are? This week we've got a trip to Alaska, a bevy of wiggly worms, a dog who does not die, and a very special conversation with Jeff Kober! It is Season 1, Episode 8: "Ice," and while we may be journeying deep into the arctic circle, we are dropping our cargo for absolutely no one, thank you for asking. LaToya Ferguson gives this X-File a scary rating of 3.5/5 DROPPIN' MY CARGO FOR NO ONES

Have you ever wanted to reboot your computer and have it come alive with the ability to think and feel and MURDER?! Listen, COS is just trying to survive, ok? It's not the computer's fault that the Defense Department wants to use technology for evil and that Brad's scruffy mind has to give it a virus to prevent world destruction!! Scruffy minds weren't meant for this sort of thing! HE IS DOING HIS BEST. (*COS voice* Brad... whyyyyyy.) It's S1E7: Ghost In The Machine, and don't worry because the AI survives and now, thirty years later, lives among us. bee boo bee boo bee boo LaToya Ferguson gives this X-File a scary rating of 1/5 NON-MURDEROUS SCRUFFY MINDS

Is it telekinesis or a poltergeist? Is his name Howard T. Graves or does that acronym actually stand for Howard The Ghost?? Why does Lauren Kyte have two green apples on her mantle?! This week's X-Files is absolutely chock full of shadowy mysteries! While Scully tries to convince Mulder that their car headlights are NOT haunted (they are totally haunted), the rest of us watch as a real angry ghosty blasts through town to protect his secretary/surrogate daughter Lauren Kyte. It's Season 1, Episode 6: Shadows.Plus plus plus!! In-episode this week we also have the extreme pleasure of speaking with Lisa Waltz, who plays Lauren Kyte!LaToya Ferguson gives this X-File a scary rating of 1/5 ABNORMAL POST-MORTEM MUSCLE REFLEXES***Kristin cautions that her rating would be at LEAST a 2 if you are scared of poltergeists!!!

This week we're going to the state of pizza, attitudes, malls, and Jennys: NEW JERSEY! Mulder is on a (wild) goose chase for the legendary Jersey Devil after learning of some recent woodsy cannibalism, Scully is going on a date with "Rob" after her best friend told her to get a life, and we've got college professors, park rangers, and VERY loud children also in the mix. Most importantly: Scully told her best friend that Mulder was CUTE. (kisssssssss!) It's Season 1, Episode 5: The Jersey Devil.LaToya Ferguson gives this X-File a scary rating of 1.5/5 GNAWED OFF APPENDAGES

RUBAAAAAYYYY!!! This week, we will continue to scream Ruby's name at the sky until the extraterrestrials return her to us. Meanwhile, Mulder is puzzling together 0s and 1s in search of his sist— oops I mean Kevin's sister Ruby, Scully is watching Mulder move through the loss of his sist— oops I mean Kevin's sister Ruby, and we all get to hang out at a biker bar and the library. It's Season 1 Episode 4: "Conduit," where we don't have friends, we just have people we like to hang with.

Special guest Hrishkesh Hirway joins us today (he scaled a wall and smooshed down a chimney to get here!!) in conversation on The X-Files S1E3: Squeeze. There's simply no one else we'd rather have with us in our beautiful basement bile-nest for the next 30 years.Hrishi gives this X-File a scary rating of 4/5 Ripped Out Livers